Oh my dear, what a year.

It has been a year and a day since my last post.

Sitting here looking at that post date I began to get upset. All I could think was, "A year later and I'm in the same place." But that's not really true is it? I'm a whole year older and a whole catastrophe wiser.

This year changed me. It transformed the way I understand love and the way I see myself.

Yes, I got engaged. Yes, I called it off.

If you've never had to make this particular decision, from my perspective it was a roller coaster of fear, second guessing, relief, but mostly heartbreak. It was the hardest decision I have ever faced: to hurt someone I loved deeply or to continue down a toxic path carrying a heavy burden.

You see, sometimes love really isn't enough. Love can kiss and love can sting.

I hate to admit it but I was embarrassed. It being such a public affair, it would allow people to pass judgement and make up their own understandings of what really happened. I was afraid to be perceived as selfish or stupid for falling that fast in the first place. I was afraid to hear hushed whispers of "I knew it wouldn't last" or "What will she do now?" I hid away. I hid out of fear that the people in my life would not support me and my decision in a loving way. In reality, the important people in my life embraced me with open arms and wept with me. They lifted me up when I was too weak to stand on my own.

Although that's a lovely lesson in itself, none of that really matters today. What matters is that I do not see myself as selfish. I am not stupid. I am human.

I see myself as strong.

My mind and my heart battled time and time again over what I could endure in the name of love. It was not until I completely gave both my heart and mind over to God in regards to this decision, that I found my answer. Never in my life has something become more clear to me. It was an incredible sensation to feel such overwhelming peace in the middle of an incredibly heart-wrenching moment. I'm here to tell you there's no going back after that peace that passes understanding touches and becomes ingrained within you. So, I listened and followed blindly into a sea of heartbreak with no bearings. Thy will be done.


It's not easy

to let go of the plans you had for you life,
to believe you will come out better on the other side,
to allow yourself to breathe and be happy.

Life goes on whether or not you choose strength and wisdom over fear and skepticism.

Yeah, life goes on. Live well in it.

-KP

"All is not lost. All is not lost. Become who you are. It happens once in a lifetime."
- Needle and Haystack Life, Switchfoot

Lock-in for the History Books

It happened, what I've been expecting/dreading this winter season. I had to make a call: the "should we go or should we stay" call about Winter Jam. For those of you that don't know, Winter Jam is a big concert tour that has several popular Christian artists. My youth group was really looking forward to attending. Due to a weather advisory for our county, I finally made the call we should not trek over to Louisville for the show. Not to disappoint too much, I decided we could still have a lock-in at church. Better safe than sorry.

As I scrambled to put together some activities for the lock-in, something terrible occurred. I destroyed my beloved Macbook. Let's just say, I was literally crying over spilt milk. Not only was I devastated, I was super angry and didn't exactly feel like going and spending my evening trying to entertain a bunch of teenagers. Little did I know, that they would be the ones to entertain me and turn my mood around, fast!

This was the best lock-in I've ever been in charge of. The youth did not get me a hard time when it WASN'T snowing and we realized we probably could have made the concert after all. They participated in all the activities I planned for them and got along with each other suspiciously well. There was almost one hiccup when an argument began about the rules of "Noodle Purple Ball". I quickly fixed that by starting a chant, "Positive Patsies". One of my techniques as a youth leader is to call anyone who is being a real bummer, a "Negative Nancy". It sounds mean and ridiculous but it always works to turn an attitude around. Speaking of Noodle Purple Ball, did I mention I love being the youth leader? It has so many perks, like getting to be a neutral pitcher the entire game. Being the pitcher totally RULES.

There were lots of Just Dance routines, Murder in the Dark games, Romans & Christians tourneys, and laughter. We ended the night falling asleep watching Captain America. Man, I still really need to see the ending of that movie. The next morning we woke up and went to worship in our pajamas. I am thankful for a job where I can where my nicest Walmart pj's from 9th grade to church and no one looks at me funny. Okay, they still look at me funny but then sigh and say things like, "That's KP, our crazy youth leader."

I realized when I go home Sunday afternoon I had completely forgotten about my computer. Yes, it is still unresponsive. Yes, I am probably going to have to save some major bucks for a new one. But I realize now, it's not the end of the world.

God and I had a conversation before the lock-in. He knew I was upset about my day and I wasn't completely up for it. So throughout the night, he continually showed me that I'm blessed. I am so thankful.

-KP
Here's a little video of something we discovered about 1:00 AM that night.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8E0hllDNGtM

Living Masterpieces

Once again I must acknowledge my epic fail of keep this blog updated. Let me give you this one excuse, "things got busy." As you can imagine, since my last post (in August) lots of things have happened in my life and in my ministry. Here's a list to speed things up:

1. I HAVE A NEPHEW. Holding Luke for the first time changed my life. I can honestly say I don't think I've ever felt that amount of joy before. Babies change things, they just do. My heart is warm and happy when I think about his life just beginning and getting to share in the significant and insignificant moments; lovely all the same.

2. Failed Relationship. If there is any major reason to forget to blog it's because you've found yourself head over heels for someone. Sadly, my adventure didn't last long but it was an exciting one that I can look back on and smile about. It's not so bad, I have my future to look forward to.

3. Started a Children's Program. This was by far the scariest venture for me the past few months. I've become comfortable with leading the youth ministry at my church, so I guess they decided to challenge me again. Building this program has been so rewarding. I love spending my Wednesday nights worshipping and learning with the little ones of our church and community. I will definitely be sharing more about this program in the future.

4. 7th Wheeling on a Family Cruise. I will admit that my mood wasn't all that positive because of no. 2 of this list but I made the best of this trip. It was fun and relaxing. I'm so thankful for the quality time I was able to have with my brother and his wonderful girlfriend. I discovered my dad's amazing ping-pong skills and even won a round of the Cruise's game show.

5. Friends' Engagement! He asked, she said "yes!" Two of my best friends, Jordan and Faith, got engaged on Christmas Eve after the candle light service. I couldn't be happier for them. It was such a wonderful gift to get to witness the moment and hug them with excitement. Can't wait to be the wedding planning helper!

Well, that's enough of that. Now for what's been on my mind.

In youth group we've started a series dealing with Identity, focusing on how we are not defined by what we look like or our worldly successes or failures. We find our identity through being God's child. We are God's workmanship, his masterpieces. You can tell me I'm made in God's image all you want, but it won't change the fact I don't always like the image I see in the mirror. I have pretty good self esteem but I wouldn't call my physical appearance a masterpiece.

I started thinking about what it really means to be God's workmanship, his masterpiece. I think of masterpieces as being art like Da Vinci's Starry Night or architecture like the Eiffle Tower. People admire them for how they look, beautiful, unique, and strong. This doesn't help me understand how I can be a masterpiece. Still questioning, I thought about Beethoven's symphonies. Are they not masterpieces as well? I can't see them. I only hear them yet I somehow experience them and they are capable of invoking feelings within me.

Obviously being God's workmanship goes deeper than my physical appearance or even the successes I have in this life. Think about it, humans are amazing creatures. I know I'll never fully understand how our body works; all the different systems coming together to create life. Our brains alone are proof that we are God's workmanship, a masterful creation. We are capable of so much because of this organ, the one we take for granted most. We were given the ability to learn, process and understand, communicate, and feel emotions. Above all else we were given the capacity to love; love God, love people, and even love things. Thinking about this has me grateful for life and for opportunity.

So what happens if we truly start to believe we are God's workmanship? I'm not totally sure but I can guess that life will change for the better. I love the illustration that we are like stone and God is an artist. He chips away at the excess material to reveal a beautiful sculpture beneath. No one but the artist can see what the sculpture will look like until pieces of stone are chipped and smoothed away.

Let God be the artist in your life. Let him chip away the tarnished, broken, scratched, excess pieces to reveal the person you are meant to be: a living masterpiece.

Until next time,
KP

Heavy.

I am feeling weighed down by things within me and around me this week,  thankful that no matter how I'm feeling I know that I have hope because God has a plan for me. I'm thankful for the people in my life who continue to show me this is true, no matter what. I can't help but smile when I think about certain folks and how they brighten my day. Lucky to have such amazing friends and family to cheer me and remind me what really matters! This post is just a few things I need to get off my chest.

Puzzled:Something has been on my mind lately with all the media buzz about certain issues in our society. What's  right or wrong is not what's important here or what puzzles me. What bothers me is the tremendous misuse of an opportunity to show God's love to others. Think about it, shouldn't we as Christians be recognizable by our love, joy, and compassion not by characteristics of judgment and hatred? Jesus gave us the command love your neighbor as yourself. When he said neighbor, he meant EVERYONE. Jesus came to save all people. There are no exceptions to his grace. Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking anyone to condone or encourage things you don't agree with. It's just my hope that Christians will love people better no matter the circumstances, because that's being Christlike.

Painful Memories:
I stayed awake early Tuesday, recalling the events of just one year ago. During those early morning hours on August 21, 2011 my twin nieces were born still. I said hello and goodbye to the precious babies in the matter of only a few minutes but it's a memory I will hold onto for a lifetime. I'd never truly known such heartbreak until that moment. I'll never forget seeing their perfect little hands and feet.  Although we still grieve for the loss of our girls Zoe Catherine and Lily Grace, it's been a year of healing. God has been working in the lives of each of my family members.

Personally, for me it's been a year of ups and downs. It's been a year of letting go of anger towards God. I had to not only learn to trust him again but to follow where he was leading me. For the longest time it felt like my heart wouldn't begin to heal but God continued to hold me and bless me. Whenever I feel disappointed or fearful because I have no clue where I'm going, I can look back on this year and see examples of God's work within me and through me and trust that my future is in his hands.

Direction:
I'm not lost but I'm not certain where I'm going. Can you relate? All I know is the the heaviness of the load is bound to change. It will get lighter then heavier then maybe even heavier before lightening. All I know is I'm not alone in carrying it and I'm so thankful for that.

I promise a lighter fluffier post in the near future :)
-KP

Feels like college.

Well, school has begun again and I wish my youth the best of luck! I hope it's a fantastic year for each and every one of them. I know they will make little moments count and find opportunities to show God's love this year. Summer faded quickly but we went out with one last, "hoorah!"

Youth Week.

What a blast! From bowling to laser tag to being locked-in; we did it all. We even hot glued a sheet to the church and projected a movie: instant outdoor movie. Why had I not heard of this before? Brilliant. The crowd favorite seemed to be our Paint War. As The Doctor would put it, somewhere along the "wibby wobbly, timey wimey" line I got the idea that it might be fun to throw paint on each other. Let's be honest, the inspiration is probably Pinterest related. The important thing is, I was right! Throwing paint on people is the best! You can't help but smile and laugh as you are splattered with vibrant colors. The end result is pretty cool too. Each person is covered with different patterns and color combinations, so artsy. I'm glad I asked my good friend to come photograph the war. She captured the moments we won't want to forget.

Funny story time. I asked one of my good guy friends to help me drive my youth to Lazer Blaze. He works with youth too and likes laser tag, so why not? I knew this might stir up some silliness from the boys in our group and I was right. After all, they've taught me a two week relationship is super serious and guys and girls are never just friends. As we were about to go into our game, one of the boys decided to be funny and point at us and say "You two should date." My response complete with serious face, "We are." My friend nodded in agreement. The look on the boy's face was priceless. I let his jaw stay dropped for five good seconds then said, "Just kidding, but that'd be cool right?" Don't mess. I can take your awkward and make it more awkward.

I love a good game of Ultimate Frisbee. It seems like I hardly ever play anymore so it felt incredible to get two games in during a week. As I ran down the field I yelled, "Feels like college!" In fact, the only time I enjoy running is during Frisbee games. I'm so happy my youth group has found a love for the game.

At our lock-in we focused for a few minutes on taking steps in the direction God wants us to go this year. Looking for opportunities to show his love to others. I had everyone write a letter to their future selves to hold themselves accountable and check in sometime this year. I was surprised at their reaction, no whining or sighs. They seemed happy to write. I'll never know what they said to themselves but I can't wait to mail those letters out in a few days, weeks, months. They'll never know when it'll arrive. I love surprise snail mail.

As I crashed into my bed Saturday morning after the lock-in, I reflected on the week. I happily planned a whole week of lively activities for teenagers. Yes, last minute changes were made and there were even misunderstandings about the rules of "Romans and Christians," but I think I can safely say that everyone learned something. Maybe it was simply a new game, or maybe it was about themselves, each other, or their relationship with God. We had a great time and bonded as a group, that's really all I could have hoped for. This group continues to impress me twice over.

I'm so lucky, 'cause my job totally rules.
-KP

Y-E-S to V-B-S!!!

Kids are incredible. I was reminded just how incredible the week of our Vacation Bible School. Now that I've had some time to recover, I'm ready to share. It was an exhausting but extremely rewarding week. From what I can tell, the consensus was that it was a success. I felt so much love and support from all the gracious volunteers that dedicated their week to teaching our kids about God's AMAZING power.

One of the reasons I enjoy my job so much is because it teaches me new things about myself with each new experience or task which I am delegated. During VBS I learned three important things: 

1. I am most certainly a bit crazy.

2. This allows me to talk to kids in a way that gives them the impression that I'm awesome.

3. When they are fooled into thinking I'm awesome, it's easier to get them to listen while I teach them about God's LOVE.

First of all, VBS is not as easy as my mentor, Pam, has always made it seem. I never realized how much preparation and coordination goes into planning a Bible school. Thank goodness I had a wonderful team of experienced VBS ladies to help guide this rookie along. Still, the stress built up and I was an emotional wreck after the first day. There was really for no reason for my emotional outburst other than exhaustion, paranoia, and a bit of unrelated drama. The day had gone well. I guess the thought of doing it four more times just seemed a little daunting.

As nervous as I was to be the "go to" person, somewhere along the line it became no longer a burden  but a blessing. By the end of the week the stress was completely gone and I was flying down a water slide yelling, "For VBS!!!!!" Seriously, there was an actual water slide. As cheesy as it sounds, I had the time of my life (cue Dirty Dancing theme song).

I'll admit I was nervous on the following Sunday. It was time to show the rest of our church family what we learned at VBS. Never in my life have I seen such a turnout on a VBS Sunday. So many kids showed up to sing their little hearts out. It was terrific. As I led the congregation through our daily lessons the kids were right there with me engaged and shining as we read our verses and talked about God's POWER! A little guy, Malachi, said it best as the kids exited the stage after their final song, "I DID GREAT!" He did do great; they all did. That little voice is something I'll hold in my heart for a long time. When I see big smiles or get running start hugs from the kids at church it makes my day brighter and everything seems that much more worth it!

Sometimes it feels like all I do is worry or anticipate. Looking back now, I feel silly for stressing. God answered my prayers and blessed me greatly in so many ways during a single week. I guess it's just another reminder that I'd be nothing without his direction and presence in my life. 

This week is Youth Week at church. Stay tuned for related post! 

-KP

I'll just blame the heat.

It's been quite eventful in the life of this rookie youth leader. Here's a few updates. Sorry, it's a lengthy one.

Vacation Bible School
     I had the unique opportunity to serve with my home church as they brought Vacation Bible School to Henryville UMC who suffered tornado damage like most of the town of Henryville and the surrounding areas in early March. The theme for VBS, "Construction Junction," was appropriate as many of the homes right next to the church were being rebuilt. It was such a blessing to spend time with about sixteen first graders and a few kindergarteners. It was heartwarming to see their delightful smiles and hear their infectious laughter. These children have been through so much, some more than others, and still have marvelous joy in their hearts. Praise God for that! I'll cherish the memories of that week and miss those kiddos like crazy! Looking forward (and a bit terrified) to be the leader at our VBS coming up in just a few short weeks. Prayers please!

ICHTHUS
      It's hard to count, but think I've been to Ichthus Music Festival around seven or eight times. Somewhere along the line I've lost my eagerness to camp out for the entire weekend. (Probably because the festival is now in summer; therefore, totally hot.) Luckily, my small group decided we would just truck down to Wilmore for one evening since Switchfoot was playing. After a near death experience in the church van and applying a healthy amount of sunscreen; my buddy Jordan and I staked out our spot while the rest of the group explored. I was not gonna miss the opportunity to see Jon Foreman sound check.
     I guess I'm a true youth leader now because the speaker of the night angered me. I didn't appreciate his topic for the young audience at Ichthus. He was focusing more on not going to hell rather than a relationship with Christ before he gave an altar call. The audience was a bunch of teenagers who are going through "teenager-y" things. I think the speaker should have used this opportunity to focus on the love and comfort that comes with a relationship with a Savior. I was thoroughly disappointed.
     Fortunately, the lead singer of Kutless gave a better message in five minutes than the speaker in thirty. I am always impressed with Kutless because they are a band that takes the time to play worship music instead of trying to sell their own songs. Switchfoot completely killed it. I had an incredible time. I was bouncing around and dancing like nobody's business. I love that band. Did I mention that I got to shake their hands? I had to sweet talk my way into the closed Artist Tent. Still got it. I acted like a real dork when I met them though. "Sorry my hands are so sweaty, sir."

SPIRIT SONG
     Well, I did it! I survived my first overnight trip. I, with the help of three other amazing adults, pulled off an fun-filled weekend trip to Kings Island. Three days at a theme park including some rockin' Christian concerts can really wear you out. It was over 100 degrees each day and there was a crazy storm but my group was still full of positive energy. I was so proud of them. They made my job a whole lot easier. I was able to see Switchfoot again and rocked out. As Jon Foreman came within five rows of me and sang to little kids and gave out high fives I turned to another leader, Derrick, and said, "Those kids don't know they are living my dream. They are living MY dream." Owl City, Red, NEEDTOBREATH, and tobyMac brought the party. It was really special to get to sing, dance, and jump around with the kiddos in my group. It was an honor to take them to some of their first concerts.
    Nothing like going to a theme park to help you discover that you're getting old. Spending time in line surrounded by junior and senior highers is just enough. What really takes the cake: the rides. THEY HURT NOW. When did this happen? Don't get me wrong, I still love roller coasters but I could not keep up like I used to. Oh, what a difference five years can make. I think I'll just blame the heat.

Until something fun happens,
KP